Kinysis' notes on affirmative disassociation.

(Note from WarSong: Kinysis encourages readers to follow her on Twitter. Her Twitter handle is @Kinysis and here's a link just in case: @Kinysis :3)

(Note by Kinysis: This bit of writing was originally a Twitter thread I wrote as a way of working through a dysphoric attack in real time. I've edited it here somewhat for clarity, as I was more focused on working through things during the process of writing)

I'm lying awake at 4am, and I can't sleep because of the dysphoria. Existing in my body feels so wrong. I want something else, a different shape, but the raw truth of it is that I can't quite understand *why* I want it.

On a rational level, it makes no sense to desire the impossible. But…

But somehow I seem to be deeply fixated on the idea that my body is misshapen or wrong.

Why? Wrong for what? 

The first thing that arises to that question is a sense of dissatisfaction with the roles I'm expected to play in life. The second thing is a sense of feeling left out.

I didn't realize until I wrote it that those two are the same feeling from different angles.

It feels like the ticket to changing role is my skeleton. And that my skeleton is too clearly built for fucking labor.

And that's kind of the crux of the issue: I just really really LOATHE manual labor. I hate farm work, like digging ditches, trimming trees, building fences, picking up rocks. I fucking hate lugging things around and having to get dirty while I'm at it. It makes me feel like my skin is shrinking and dry and like, no.

On the other hand, this sounds ridiculous but I really like home type chores. I love to clean and organize and decorate. I love to cook, especially for others, and I'm good at it. I want to live a life where my responsibility is the home domain.

That feels natural to me, normal. Going out into the fields and plowing is not just back-breaking, it's excruciatingly boring.

But when you're a man that's more or less what other men expect from you. If you're a man, you have to get dirty and work hard.

And I don't want that.

I get that stereotypes are breaking down, but I was raised in the old way and it fucks with my head. I see my body and it gives me anxiety that some asshole is gonna draft me for his pointless war. I want to hide all vestiges of my masculinity.

This is the feeling that always comes up like a wall of spears whenever I rebound off the fact that I'm aging, or the fact that I'll never look like someone who won't be automatically conscripted for manual work.

And I don't really know how to get past it.

I don't know how to have a life I want to live, because the life I want is basically ridiculous. There's no place for it in the normal world. But what I want to do is be a healer. I want to follow synchronicity from place to place and stop worrying about stupid shit like my body.

I feel like I come to this place of deep dysphoria, realize I can't fix it, and then accept it, rebound to being okay with my body, feel great and confident for a day or two, and then slow spiral downhill again until the dysphoria clouds over.

It's like a wavelength pattern

So what needs to happen? How do I stop this cycle?

I have observed that it usually stops when I'm paying close attention to other people and things they're going through. In-person conversations with others that lead in positive directions for them end up being tremendously helpful for my self esteem. 

Thinking critically, it's clear that if I am capable of reaching a place where I can love my body for what it presently is, then whatever it is that's causing this ache is not inherent: it's an idea of some sort.

In fact, wait. I see!

I'm falling prey to a kind of energy drain pattern in which the idea that I need to fit into an identity is causing me to waste energy on pointless mental gyrations as I clutch for new pieces. 

This means that what I'm doing wrong is clear.

During times my self esteem is on the up and up, I latch on to that feeling as if that's a true identity when it's actually an emotional high. When it settles, I've set my expectation of how I feel high, and that expectation has become an ego-identity.

So then I start looking for pieces that will get me back on that high, and drain myself in the process, leading to a wave of dysphoria because I keep making the mistake of blaming my body instead of the pattern of thought itself.

I see.

So the solution is to x out of it.

Stop worrying about my body. It's a waste of energy and time. Easier said than done, and... Oh, okay. That's where the highs come from. Around others, I tend to be focused on them and how they feel, so I've closed the program. But when I'm alone, I stop paying attention. I cut out of my environment and instead begin to pay attention to identity.

I'm already feeling better.

Interesting.

So this means that my suffering is a direct result of attachment. Hah. Therefore, the answer is to detach. Let go. Stop trying to control the world.

It always relates back to control, doesn't it? This masochistic pattern of magical thinking that subconsciously believes punishing myself enough will balance karma in my favor so the world around me does what I want.

Suddenly I want to laugh :D